Birth Etiquette

Babies have magic. Because babies are magic. The birth of a baby is like watching a fairy be born on the wings of the first laugh from a small child. It's enchanting. Holding a baby is akin to glimpsing at the very center of The Source. And when it's someone you know, someone you love, perhaps your own precious grown child, birthing their own miracle....it's absolutely...indescribable. Love in pure form, emerging right before your very eyes.

Perhaps you find yourself the honored recipient of an invitation to witness such a miracle. How lucky are you?!! Perhaps the one who invited you also passed along this post for some guidance...

Well. Hello! May I be the first to say: Welcome to the birth room! What a prestigious and precious ticket to hold!

I am so honored to be the one to give you a few notes, a little guide if you will, some precious advice to help your adventure into the birth room stay sweet and happy for everyone.

Birth Room Etiquette 

(if the person who invited you is planning to to birth at home, please refer to this little guidebook as "Birth House Etiquette")

Well, lets just jump right in...

1. I think that the best place to start in guiding you is reminding you, in the most loving way, that this birth is not about you. Oh my goodness. That kind of sounded rude. But I'm hoping my bluntness will actually get your attention because, really, when you think about it, it's not about you. It's about the parents of the unborn baby, and their experience, joy and expansion of their family. It's about this tiny new human making it's way on an tremendous journey. It may affect you. But it's not about you. And I'm going to remind you of that several times.

So, hold in mind that it's not about you, even though they invited you to come...they want to share the joy with you, and they obviously want their child exposed to your presence, but ultimately this experience is theirs and you get to simply bear witness.

2. It's okay to ask the family what to expect! Clarification is good and helpful for all parties! Here are a few questions that the family will probably be glad you asked: Are they planning a hospital, birth center or home birth? Are they planning to birth in the water? Will there be other people present? Do they plan to call you early on, or closer to the actual delivery? Do they want you to help in some way (tend to other children? drive to the hospital? take pictures?) What if it is the middle of the night? Will they wait til morning? Would you prefer they call you any time? What if you're at work? How soon after the birth would they like you to leave? Do they want you to come back in the days and weeks following? Do they plan to let you stay with them? (This one often gets asked when family comes in from out of town-it's ok to ask!-Don't assume that whatever the plan was for past visits will be the same this time.) 

These questions can help you figure out where you are headed, what to bring with you, let you know if you need to make plans to stay elsewhere (ie: if you're coming in from out of town, the new family might prefer you stay in a hotel nearby so they can have the house to themselves with their new baby), and give you an idea if they have expectations of you more than just watching. It's a great idea to clarify this information in advance. 

Bear in mind, some conversations are considered rude, or unacceptable. I'm glad it's just little ole me letting you know these things. Like a real friend would point out that you have food between your teeth, I will be the one to let you know that asking the expecting family if they are planning to circumcise, breastfeed, or co-sleep with their baby can be taken with much hurt feelings and hostility. Blurting out your loving concerns (or downright fears) over a choice to birth naturally with no medication or give birth in an out of hospital setting is not appropriate. Assuming they are being reckless for the choices they are making is an opinion that should be kept to yourself. Try to remember these decisions are not about you. They are decisions to make for themselves. If they want to know your opinion on such topics, you can be certain they will ask you! I know some of you are probably whisper shouting at the screen "But it's my grand-baby! I reeealllllyyyyy do care! They're making really DUMB decisions!" And I know you are coming from a place of love and concern. You will probably be this child's number one advocate after the parents. I know this is a big thing happening in your life too and if affects you too.... 

But I'm going to remind you...this is not about you. 

This family needs to make their own decisions about parenting their own baby. They may make decisions that are different from what you decided (or would have decided) in your own parenting journey. They still deserve the respect and space to make their own decisions, or even to fall down making a few mistaken choices, for this is the universal right only a new parent carries. Don't tromple or take that right away by making it all about you and what you would choose!

For some potential birth attendees, step 2 may be as far as our journey goes. Perhaps after having a few heart to hearts with the family to be you are feeling anxiety, fear, or even frustration. Maybe you're feeling off because some (or a lot) of their choices don't resonate with you. Maybe you are scared for them, maybe you are really struggling with not offering unsolicited advice. Maybe their choices are making you have to reconsider choices you already made that were different and it's very uncomfortable and not something you feel ready to think about and process. That's okay. It really happens to the best of us! Sometimes it's unexpected and unavoidable. I'm just going to say right here, in all seriousness: It's okay to decline the invitation. It is 100% acceptable to let the family know that you love them very much, and you want to be a part of, but its causing you anxiety or frustration and you don't want to ruin this most sacred occasion with any form of stress to them. Or, simply say that you will have to decline their invitation. Period. You don't have to explain yourself. You could ask for an alternative, perhaps visiting right after the birth, or after some time has passed, so that you can be present with love and joy and pure celebration! Any family to be should feel absolutely grateful that you have decided to take the high road and really make this birth all about them. I promise you they will remember this lovely gift of insisting on joy and celebration long after the birth has passed.  

Whatever you do, the biggest mistakes you could make would be to try to get the family to see things your way, or continue throughout the pregnancy to bring up topics that have been requested to be laid down, or the worst of all: not express these feelings, try to stuff them and contain that nervous energy and attend the birth anyway. (Don't do it!) If you do end up attending, your energy will be felt by the family, especially the birthing mother in labor. Fear, resentment and anxiety are very contagious, they all stem from the hormone adrenaline, and adrenaline serves absolutely NO constructive purpose in birth. It can cause a mother in labor to stall progress, raise blood pressures to high risk levels, cause distress to the baby (seen in dropping heart rates) and even alter the outcome of a mothers deepest desires for her birth! Fear in other mammals can stress the mother to the point that it will reverse dilation (progress), completely stop labor and even cause death to the unborn being! Of course in human birth, intervention would usually occur before an outcome so drastic, but I can promise you, the family will remember this behavior from you and how it affected their birth experience for a long time after the pregnancy/birth, even if it only causes a seemingly minor disturbance. You don't want to be held forever in someones memory in that type of light. You're better off taking the high road: decline the invitation, agree to disagree, take a break, take a breath, remember it's not about you-which is really quite freeing when you think about it, isn't it?

3. Plan to come into the room with the right mindset. At the very least come in with quiet, calm energy. (Think library, spa, walking in late to a wedding etc.) Knowing in advance what to expect in the birth room/house (go back to point #2 for clarification on what to expect) can help direct you. Perhaps you say a quick and quiet hello and then go check on their other children or start on tasks you have been asked to do. 

Birthing rooms are often very hushed, and very dark. Many families have planned for weeks and months a special environment they want their baby to enter the world into, they want to mark the moment as sacred. They may have candles lit and soothing music playing. This may be very different from your past experiences or current expectations around birth. Try your best to match what you see and respect their wishes.

When you do finally arrive, come in quietly. Come just inside the room and step to the side. Greet the person greeting you in the same tone and volume of voice. Take a moment to look around and orient yourself by making some observations. Are other people present quiet and not talking? Are they whispering? Is the mother focused on her work or smiling and enjoying a laughing and loud conversation? Does the room go quiet when she has a contraction or do they continue conversing? Does the mother seem okay with others behavior or irritated? Try to match the environment you are stepping into, try to match what the laboring mother seems most content with. Has she retreated to the bathroom or her bedroom? She may be in the middle of needing some quiet time alone. If you wouldn't rush in there any other day, for sure do not do it today. Definitely don't walk in shouting that you have arrived, flipping on the lights, opening the curtains and rushing around to hug everyone while speed talking with much excitement. Take a moment on the front door step or hallway before the birth room to stop, calm yourself and take a few deep breaths before you enter the room. You made it. You're here. Re-center and calm yourself and come on in. We can't wait to see you.

In planning ahead for this birth, I recommend comfortable clothing, free from bangley bracelets, earrings or jewelry that makes any noise. Consider being makeup free, so that if you are invited to snuggle the new baby or hug the mother, (don't assume anything, but be prepared) you aren't exposing baby's fresh skin to lipstick or make up, which can be very irritating to a newborn. Jewelry can be scratchy and cold, and many newborns are sensitive to metals. Leave the perfume for another day, tiny new noses and mommies prefer to smell each other after all that hard work and finally landing in each others arms. There is actually an amazing hormonal cocktail that is passed back and forth between mother, baby and even new father, intended specifically for bonding and attachment. You really don't want to waft in and interrupt that. I know you don't, because you remember that it's not about you. In fact, don't you think it's kind of cool you're expected to show up in sweats and a pony tail? That's my kind of celebration! Most of this advice holds true in the days and weeks following the birth as well. Stay comfy and enjoy!

Turn your phone off or at least to silent mode. It may be quiet in the room and very focused. The last thing you want is your cell going off in the middle of a contraction and for you to be the source of irritation. On that note, if you need to take a call, at least leave the room so the birthing space is protected. Be aware if your voice is carrying down the hall, you may have to ask the caller if you can call them back once you've stepped completely outside. If you have to take many calls, consider staying out until you are done on your phone. Opening and closing the door repeatedly may be irritating if things are picking up in the birth area. 

Bring snacks and stuff to occupy you if things are going slow. Birth can take a long time! Do be leery of what you bring. Clacking keyboards, bright cell phone screens playing videos from social media, loud food wrappers, crunchy chips, smacking gum or smelly food, may earn you rapid request to leave the room! For one, the mother is likely working very hard and focusing on her labor, these noises and smells are quite distracting. For two, she may be unable to eat (per her providers instructions) and eating in front of someone who isn't able too...well that's just rude. Let the family know you're going to take a break and quietly leave the space. Take some deep breaths, find your happy energy again, enjoy your snack and drink, use the restroom, make that call, watch that video and return, rejuvenated and peaceful. 

If you plan to stay near the laboring mother, consider bringing something quiet like a knitting or crochet project or a good book and small book light. Taking the focus off the mom (not facing her directly and staring at her) is really a good idea. Focused staring makes the mother feel pressured and quite frankly it's kind of creepy. Just like staring in any other situation. It's always nice for her to look up between contractions and see you are content and occupied. This takes the pressure off of her to "play host" and make sure you are okay and don't need anything. (because...say it with me...It's not about you.) She won't feel like such a watched pot, which can actually cause adrenaline. And we know that hormone isn't welcome at this birth! Be close by and ready to participate, but happily occupied if things are taking a while. If there is conversation being initiated by the mother, be careful of what topics you add to the mix. This is not the time to tell stories of labors or deliveries of other women or yourself. The mother may be trying to fill her space with happy but unimportant conversation. She definitely does not need your neighbors scary cesarean birth story in her mind or to hear about the girl at work who just had a miscarriage. Save any sort of topic related to pregnancy and birth for another time. Her birth story is all that matters right now, be sure to keep it that way and keep it reassuring, encouraging, peaceful and happy. 

Offering the couple some space once in a while, especially if things are taking a long time is a great idea too. Sometimes birth does crazy things like stall for quite a few hours. This is actually perfectly normal! These are good times to go in another room or to your car, take a nap, take a break, go out to eat, or in some cases, head back home until labor picks up again. Often the laboring parents also need to nap, have some privacy, maybe take a shower or even admit that it was a false alarm and they want to shut things down for now. A good cue is to follow the provider's actions. If you're at a hospital birth or birth center birth and the provider is discharging the mother, it's time to go home. If you're at a planned home birth and the provider is leaving, it's a good idea for you to leave too. Trying to keep things going (by making her walk, squat, or do things you know of to get contractions going again) is not a good idea and could wear the mother (and baby) out in a long and non-progressive labor. Often a 12 hour break to rest, eat and drink is all a laboring mother needs for contractions to pick back up and finish the job. Let it go if it's going. Let it come if it's coming. Match the energy of the room. Match the direction of the journey.  

When things finally get rolling, enjoy being there, you are about to witness a miracle!

Remember that it's okay, at any time, if you are feeling uncomfortable or misplaced, or perhaps old fears, concerns and frustrations you thought you had dealt with and laid to rest seem to be returning, that you can simply leave! No one is holding you there. Take a longer break, move your belongings and self to another room, a waiting area, or your own vehicle. It's okay to say to the family that you need to leave. Try not to make it too huge a deal and interrupt their birthing space by lingering and hoping they will offer you some sort of comfort or request that you really stay. Remember...it's not about you. It's okay to simply whisper that you need to leave for a while, or the night, or just need to leave. In the moment, they will probably not question you too much. If the mother starts pushing and this is when your discomfort reaches intolerable proportions, don't say a word, simply leave the area. It's best if birth has progressed this far, to not even disturb them and just step out. Once the baby is born and your feelings have passed, then and only then is it a good time to reconnect and ask if you can return with joy and celebration. Weather you left for a few intense moments, or overnight, you don't have to hash out why and what you were feeling, it's okay to let those feelings rest in the past and simply enjoy this wonderful moment now that you're on "the other side" of the birth story! 

Hugely important note here regarding the moment of birth. Holy smokes is it intense. Whatever you do, do NOT shout out the baby's gender! Especially if the family is choosing to be surprised. Let them look for themselves after all this work, they've earned that much. 

Be very aware of your energy and how loud you are as the baby is being born. Shouting and crying can be scary from the perspective of the new little person in the room who has only heard muffled sounds and just traveled this labor journey from the inside. What he or she wants more than anything is to hear, smell and see mom and dad and reconnect where it is safe...in mama's arms. Don't be the loud one in the room like you're watching a football game at a sports bar. It's exciting, believe me, I know, but try to keep taking those deep breaths and match the parents energy. Encourage them to keep their focus on the baby. These moments will be forever imprinted in their memories in the most detailed way. Make it about them. Help others in the room find hushed voices, stay quiet and hug each other and quietly jump up and down if you feel like it, but do your best to honor this sacred space and moment.

Along those lines...I see that phone you just reached for. Put it down. Soak this one in live with your own eyes, not from behind that screen. If you really want to take a picture or video, ask permission of the birthing family before you even pick up the camera/phone and wait until after baby has had a chance to breathe, placenta has been delivered, and preferably after the first nursing has occurred. Be leery of flashes in the dark and quiet space. These are important milestones following delivery, and the birthing room/house space should continue to be protected during this time. As an attendee it is your job to help keep the environment and your actions the same as you did during the labor. 

Remember that probably the worst social media foul of all time is announcing a birth before the parents have had a chance. It's so wrong. And you can't take it back. It is considered a sneaky, shady, downright mean way to make the focus be on you. (and we already agreed that it wasn't about you didn't we?) Even if it takes them a WEEK or more for them to announce their baby has arrived, hold the secret until they have announced first. Don't congratulate them to their Facebook page, or post a picture of the baby on yours. It's not sweet, it's rude and everyone knows it, so don't do it! Don't send texts or emails, instagrams, snaps, tweets or twigs. Just keep it hush-hush until they've announced or given permission for you to share. 

4. How can you say thank you? I'm going to remind you, you just witnessed a miracle! You hung in there with utmost respect and watched a baby emerge into this world in all it's glory...and it's so magical! Think about how you can thank the family for allowing you to participate in this wonderful journey. Bring them a meal the next day (or a couple days later after you have gotten some rest). Offer to take an older child to the park to wear them out so parents can rest. Walk the dog. Take out the trash. Unload the dishwasher. Switch the laundry. Mow the lawn. Bring a "birthday cake" or cupcakes. Send flowers. An attitude of gratitude is never a bad idea. Families that are nurtured after the birth (Because, come on, don't we all know that THIS is the most exhausting part of a birth?!!) recover faster, go home sooner, and have better overall health and happiness! Don't you want to be a part of that?! Families who are nurtured after a birth are more likely to include those people in their lives, future decisions, child rearing advice and participation, and even future birth experiences! Caring for families after a birth is better for their health-science actually shows it improves maternal and newborn healing, recovery and overall outcomes for both mom and baby! Be a part of postpartum! Helping them in these little ways, actually make the biggest difference!

Thank you for letting me share with you some birth room etiquette. 

I wish for you, that you can attend with joy, celebration and enchantment. I hope you leave this experience having felt the wings of fairies brush your heart as the magic of birth happened right before you. I hope your family/friend is thankful for your presence, and you for theirs. May this child always bring a smile to your face and warm memories to your spirit. I wish you many years of happily co-existing in peace and love! 

Congratulations to you all!  

Randi Payton, Licensed Midwife, owner of Family Tree Midwifery, happily attending peaceful, drama free home births in the Sacramento area!